|"if you can’t blow them away with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit" - tumblr|
"The less you reveal, the more people wonder" -Emma Watson
(my 18th bday)
"He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends."
"A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation."
I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
"It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery"
"What did Confederate soldiers eat off of? Civil ware."
"What did they used to drink with? Cups. Dixie Cups."
"I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby-trap"
"A book just fell on my head, I only have my shelf to blame."
"What is the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages? A stalemate."
"What did a mermaid where to her maths class? An Algae-bra."
"3.14% of all sailors are Pi-rates."
"People make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow. Too soon..."
"I tried to catch fog earlier. I mist."
"I spent all night thinking which way the sun would come up, then it dawned on me."
"I had a pizza joke but it was too cheesy."
"I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now."